DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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