Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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