I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
