i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
