I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
