Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
