I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
