when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize