I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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