KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
