I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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