Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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