Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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