life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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