I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
