i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
