tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
