so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
