i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
