While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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