I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
