I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
