Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
