Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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