You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
