im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
