Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
