can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize