my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
