GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
do herpes really smell.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
