Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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