I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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