He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
