dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
