someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
