living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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