i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize