Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
