NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
