I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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