as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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