During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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