If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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