Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
