i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
