His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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