Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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