I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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