Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
