I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize