Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
