I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just found a bag of teeth...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
