I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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