She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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