How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
foreskin is a definite game changer
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
