I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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