Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
