if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
