You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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