The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
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