Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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