Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize