ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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