I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize